i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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