yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
