It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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