it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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