I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
