She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i dont even know how to be here
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
