wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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