how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
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She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
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Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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