you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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