I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
