I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.