I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
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I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You ate ashes out of my bong
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.