I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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