I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
