cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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