Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just want to make out with him forever
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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