You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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