Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
