So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i think i just lost a toe
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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