Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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