I can text with my tongue
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.