Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
