so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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