My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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