he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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