You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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