I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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