I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
