I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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