How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
