uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
