Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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