a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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