remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
