Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
