dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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