his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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