Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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