My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
