I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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