I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
