theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
