I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
