I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
