god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
