My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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