So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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