even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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