we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
