Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
