The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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