The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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