The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
