Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
