There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
