I can tuck mytits in my pants
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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