I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
